Thursday, 7 May 2015

My Eating Disorder story

I have suffered with eating issues since I was about six Years old.I think it started due to the Abuse I faced from my mother. She would always call me fat and ugly, even though I wasn't even a remotely chubby child, I was actually always one of the tiniest compared to other kids my age.
She would always tell me ''don't eat this and don't eat that, it will make you fat''.
As you can imagine from an early age this made me very scared of food and gaining weight, which led me to be very picky and restrictive with food, and I would do exercise videos in my room every night at only 8 years old.
I just wanted to please my mother and have her not call me fat or ugly, So I did everything in my power to be thin, which meant beautiful apparently.
I spent my whole childhood, teenage years worrying about fat and calories, and how much cardio I would have to do to burn them off.
I would throw my lunch away at school, hoping the skipped meal would help me lose weight.
I was obsessed with food and I spent my whole day thinking about food, but yet eating barely nothing.
What to wear was another challenged I faced, I put clothes on and felt fat in everything, although I was practically skin and bone, when I looked in the mirror all I saw was fat, and told myself how disgusting I was.

At around 19 was when Bulimia hit, And threw me into a whole new hellish world of Binging and Purging.
I was suffering with very bad anxiety and depression at the time, and bulimia was my way of coping.
I remember the night I first binged I had eaten a whole loaf bread, I didn't know what had come over me, maybe it was from starving myself for so long my body was demanding food.
Whatever it was I knew I couldn't keep that food in my body.
I was panicking like crazy thinking what have i done, I'm going to gain weight, So of course I threw it up.
It was hard and my throat was in pain afterwards, but it was better than having that food in my body.
I vowed to never overeat or do that again.
But unfortunately for me it became very addicting, I was starving myself so much, That I would get hungry and then binge so then i purged.
It just became a horrible vicious cycle of starving, binging, purging.
At Its worst I was Binging & purging every day more than once

This made me feel awful Physically and mentally, and Unfortunately the Binging and purging made me gain a stone in weight, I was devastated, I was so tiny before, and I hated my new body none of my lovely clothes would fit, I love fashion and I liked wearing lots of little dresses and skirts but my tiny dresses would no longer hold my newly weight gained figure.
I felt fat and my self esteem was so low, I didn't want to leave the house, I stopped going to uni and to my part-time job. 
I am a very punctual, organized person so this was not at all like me.
I felt like I was some else with this new bigger body, and crazy mind, I just wanted the old me back.

I was spending so much money on food, I was going out to the shops after midnight to get my stash of food. I was a student at the time so couldn't really afford it, and I was using my overdraft and credit card to buy all the binge food.
At one point I couldn't even afford my rent, which in turn left me homeless.
Luckily for me My boyfriend and his mother let me move in with them, Which I am so grateful for, as I don't know where I would be right now if they hadn't let me move in.

It took a long time and a lot of hard work, but I am now on the road to recovery with my eating disorder, and I want to share with you some tips on how I managed to do this.
I hope you find this helpful, even if it just helps one person that would be amazing.

Let me know if you have any suggestions on posts, you would like me to include in the overcoming bulimia series.

Take care


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