Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Diary entry #4

So today I was due to go for my appointment at the eating disorders service Review clinic just to my check weight and what not. 
But as per usual I am ill and wasn't able to go:( 
This is the second time I've had to rearrange my appointment, just typical me I find myself doing it so often, rearranging and putting things off.
I am not really sure why I do this maybe it's just because I have anxiety about it, but I just don't see why? 
I am really annoyed with myself now for not going and now I am gonna have to wait again. 
But I've been really ill lately, I am still suffering with sever stomach pain everyday and all the other not so fun symptoms that come with it.
My periods have been crazy because I am sure I have Endometriosis, and I am suffering with extreme cramps, very heavy flow and nausea, and what's even worse is that my periods been lasting longer than 7 days wtf? 
I've also started experiencing daily migraines that last for up to 8hrs! 
I really don't know what's wrong with me? And on top of that my anxiety, depression and bulimia are much worse, because of it. 

I am still waiting for therapy, it's ridiculous, I went over 3 years ago to the doctors and I still haven't got the help I need I am so sick of waiting, this is my life I can't wait much longer. 
I've even been thinking about getting a private therapist because of it, but I inquired and they cost £45 a week! 
So that's definitely not going to happen, not unless I want to be starving and homeless, there's just no way I can afford that, so I guess I'll just have to keep wasting my life away waiting for the Nhs. 
I think I might try calling the service today to see if they have any idea how long their waiting list is. 

I am so bored and lonely been in the house all day not being able to do anything, I am so fatigued, even the smallest thing like taking a shower is exhausting. 
And what's worse is it only makes me want to binge & purge, which I know will only make me feel worse, and I know how much it's destroying my body. 
I feel so bad that I can't exercise because I am too ill and I am just so scared of gaining weight, I feel so bad about my body and appearance right now, I've been trying to starve myself and just juice detox, and it just makes me want to b/p more.
I know it's not good, I know how the b/p cycle works but yet still I am doing it, I just don't know what to do anymore, all I want is to get better and be happy and healthy, it's the only thing I want in the world more than anything, I've been trying so hard, but I can't do it all alone I need professional support! 

I need help! 

And my doctor still doesn't know what's wrong with me, she can't be bothered to look into what's causing my severe stomach pain, or send me for a scan to check for the Endometriosis, she said so herself she's pretty sure what I have is Endometriosis, but she keeps saying she wants to work on the mental health problems first!
That would be fine, if that's what was happening but it's not, I am still waiting for therapy! And it's much quicker to sort out a physical illness than it is a mental one they can try to calm things down a bit with medication or something. 
But you can't do that with mental health I mean it's not like I am gonna get over the years of disgusting abuse I faced as a child, and suddenly be free from anxiety, depression and an eating disorder in a couple sessions! I wish! 

I am crying out for help everywhere what more can I do? It's not up to me anymore it's up to the doctors to help me! 

Anyway sorry for this long rant, you probably think it sounds so depressing, but I am sure other people would feel the same way if they were in my shoes! 
You really can't know how someone feels and what they have to go through everyday until you've been there yourself. 

Hope your having a wonderful day! 


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